Make Peace With Your Inner Critic
Image by Jeffery Erhunse via Unsplash
We all have a companion that follows us around, wherever we go. Whatever the situation, wherever we are, there they are.
Our inner critic.
Love them or hate them, they’re always there. We can never quite shake them, sniping and niggling away at us in the background – particularly when we’re trying something new or making a change.
Commonly accepted advice is that we should try to silence or eradicate this voice. In many ways this is a reasonable and noble goal, but it isn’t that simple. And actually, there is a far more powerful and achievable approach. One that can help us move beyond its relentless chatter.
Befriending our inner critic.
By learning to understand, accept and open up to our inner critics, we can learn to transcend their perceived limitations and go after what we want - with courage and self-compassion.
What is the Inner Critic?
The inner critic is the much-maligned, often misunderstood voice in our heads. It sounds like a critical parent, a scolding teacher, a playground bully and a million 90s women’s magazine articles – all internalised into a relentless narrative that you are too much or not enough.
The repetitive narratives of the inner critic are what is referred to in the coaching world as limiting beliefs.
The Science of Survival
According to Dr. Nelda Andersone, our inner critic is rooted in an overactive survival instinct known as negative bias. Our brains evolved a threat-protection system designed to keep us safe by identifying potential dangers.
It manifests in several ways:
Self-preservation: The inner critic believes your survival depends on its vigilance – thinking about trying something new? Too risky! Your inner critic will likely object loudly: “You can’t do that; you’ll get it wrong and look like a fool!”
Avoiding pain: Taking risks means moving out of our comfort zone into discomfort and that’s potentially painful. The inner critic will dissuade you from anything that could bring about the pain of failing or growing “Who do you think you are anyway!?”
Outdated wiring: Our brains are still operating on software designed to detect predators or avoid us being cast out of the tribe. The types of threats we now face has evolved but our wiring has not kept up.
The same part of your brain once activated by the sound of a twig snapping as a bear approached your cave, is activated when you think about that work presentation on Monday. Your inner critic works overtime to keep you safe but the data is dated. The result: You try to stay safe, by staying small.
Why You Shouldn't Silence the Critic
It’s tempting to try to switch it off, but this isn’t ideal or even doable. As dated and as negative as it can be, our inner critic is still a part of us. To silence it is to self-deny and to ridicule it is to self-reject.
Instead, think of your inner critic as a panicked back-seat driver. They’re back there freaking out about your speed, the weather conditions, potential debris on the road. They’re hyper-vigilant and terrified. But they’re not trying to hurt you, they’re trying to keep you safe.
Your goal isn't to kick them out of the car, it’s to reassure them that you are safe to drive.
They’re not being rational or basing their concerns on fact, so you objectively listen and you engage rational thought - words like “This is ridiculous, why are we doing this, you’ll crash, we should never have agreed to it!” are calmly replaced with, “We’re safe, I know how to drive, the conditions are great and we’re getting there safely and on time.”.
Reassure your inner critic but never ever let them drive.
4 Tools to Befriend Your Inner Critic
To move beyond your inner critic’s narrative – and the underlying limiting beliefs – first you must notice.
Pay attention: Don’t let the criticism be background noise. Become an objective observer of the ticker tape of criticisms running through your head.
Hear the words: Ask yourself, "Whose words are these?". Are they yours? Or are they fears and judgement absorbed from parents, peers and other influences?
Fact-check: Interrogate the belief. If your critic says you aren't qualified for a role, look at the evidence – is that true? What is the evidence that it’s true? Is there evidence that it might not be true? Many limiting beliefs be neutralised or completely dispelled when faced with cold, hard facts.
Be self-compassionate: Treat your inner critic with the same grace you’d offer a loved one. Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion is a vital resource here. When the critic screams loudly, respond calmly. Soothe, don’t scold.
Case Study: The Imposter Presenter
A common trigger for the inner critic is public speaking. A client recently shared that while she felt confident in most areas of her work, she became anxious each time she was due to give a big presentation. This was despite always getting fantastic feedback from her boss afterwards. As the presentation approached, her confidence evaporated and her inner critic’s voice grew louder “You’re an imposter, you’ll be found out, you won’t sound like you know what you’re talking about.”
This is a classic example of our inner critic trying to keep us safe by keeping us small – it’s working overtime to avoid threats and rejection.
The problem is of course that the part of our brain that detects threats – the amygdala or ‘chimp brain’ – can’t distinguish between that bear outside our cave and a boardroom full of eyeballs staring at us. All it’s thinking is “Don’t risk it! We’ll fail! The group will reject us!”
Our inner critic is at its loudest when we step outside of our comfort zone; when we do anything that involves growth, risk and exposure. Giving a presentation literally means exposure and taking a risk. Growth and exposure involves an element of risk and that is scary.
The thing is – our amygdala reacts quickly and emotionally, but never rationally.
It can’t distinguish between bear and boardroom – that’s our job. This is a moment to engage with your inner critic; your panicked backseat driver and remind them “I’ve been asked to do this because I know my stuff”, “I am safe, there is no danger here”. “I’m prepared and excited to get out there and share what I know.”
Self-Coaching: Rewrite Your Story
Befriending your inner critic takes time and practice, even a lifetime: but learning to is rewarding and illuminating. Use these self-coaching questions to compassionately and objectively engage with yours and start dismantling some of your deepest and most unhelpful limiting beliefs.
Where did this belief come from? Is it even mine?
Whose belief is it really?
Is this belief accurate?
What evidence do I have that this belief is accurate?
What evidence do I have that this belief isn’t true?
What is this belief stopping me from doing?
If this belief when away, what would be possible?
Am I ready to let this belief go?
Now, thank your inner critic for trying to protect you, let it know you no longer need that old belief, and move forward with your new truth.
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This article was based on my podcast episode “How to Befriend Your Inner Critic”. Listen here.
Monique Shaw is an Executive Career & Leadership Coach and Brand Story Specialist helping passionate, frustrated and ambitious professionals create values-led careers, teams and businesses. Book a consult or get in touch to explore how she can support you.
